Today

Coffee - Aesop Rock
I'm Insane - Dinosaur Jr.
Say Goodbye to Your Generation - The Methadones
Don't Ask Why - Replacements
Get Some Sleep - Lemuria
Crying In My Beer - Screeching Weasel
Devil Town - Groovie Ghoulies
Straight to Hell - The Clash
Burn It Down - Screeching Weasel
Chesterfield King - Jawbreaker
Chinatown - Jets to Brazil
This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads
Waiting Room - Fugazi
I'm Affected - Ramones
Sneakin' Out the Hospital - Beastie Boys
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
I Still Love You Julie - Against Me!
Handcuffed to You - Screeching Weasel
Hanging Around - Screeching Weasel
Pray for Rain - The Ergs
Homesick - Riverdales
The Dirge - Japanther
To Have and Have Not - Billy Bragg
Wendy - Descendents
Bad Seeds - Beat Happening
Mahogany - Pinhead Gunpowder

“ You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. 
What mood is that?
Last-minute panic.

— Calvin & Hobbes 

Note to self 0001:  Don't get wasted while everyone else is sober

Note to self 0002:  Don't drunk dial/text

Happy Thanksgiving

Sometimes what you give in return for what you get just isn't worth it

Room with no view

I am home. I left my phone in Philadelphia. uhohz. Everytime I come home and step inside this house an overwhelming feeling of guilt/sadness consumes me. I wish that it wouldn't.
I lost 5 pounds since last time I was home.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time with Max Cooke from Monday into Tuesday. It was nice.



Okay and fine are very different words, but both very vague and mysterious.

Christmas list










ll bean

Last night

Hey Jealousy

A poem I very much like

I am so anxious to get home.  It just keeps getting worse and worse.

Things I love today:

-The thought of being home

-Coffee

-Hearing from friends

-Being Nude

-Scarves 

-My hair being long

-Color

-Snow (I wish it would snow real hard so that I can play in it)

-Being me

-Having stupid little crushes

Mirage, that's all you are to me

Last night we went to this party where the theme really should have been 'don't have any fun. ever' .. and only play beer pong.  People were really upset that me and Ali spent the night dancing away by ourselves.  It made a shitty party fun though.

Then we went  back to Matin's and Ali fell asleep.  Me, Chris, and Matin spent hours smoking and dancing to 90s music.  It was ridiculously fun.

Now I have two mysterious baguettes in my refrigerator?

Maybe there are fireworks at the end of the world.

I feel like right now I should own/be wearing one of those shirts that say "You were never my boyfriend."

Well you know who's number one, don't you?

I am more than ready to go home.

I am so anxious to see Sarah, Kirsten, Jenn, John, Javi, Robin, and everyone else.  Jeeze louise.

Dramatics have hit Philadelphia and I am glad I won't be here for them much longer.

I spent all day in the print studio only to accomplish nothing.  What a drag.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders.

lua

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

I wanna be your shrink, so i'll get paid to watch you think

“We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.”

—	Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

You make me comfortable.

I went to this nice coffee house in Rittenhouse yesterday.  The coffee was good and the atmosphere was good,  but that is partial to the good company that I was in. 

Me, Max, Nick, Brian, Kyle, PatO, and Marielle went on a semi-drunken adventure in the van last night.  

It's been snowing here and it's been absolutely wonderful.

Some people go through life and never have any fun

I wanna go with you

and baby I've just begun.

Some folks are just too cool, never let down their guard

I wanna make you drool, I wanna leave you scarred. 

I wanna have fun with you

I wanna have fun on you, in you, with you, near you

I wanna have fun with you

Maybe if we went away and locked ourselves in my room

we could have fun for days

and come out of the next full moon

We could send out for drinks, pizza, and chinese food

I don't care what no one thinks,

my only need is you

Structure and function

This morning I couldn't find my keys so I couldn't go to class.  There are so many things I need to do but everyday just slips by.  I cried a little bit to Tara last night about how rough the semester has been.  I'm glad I just got it off my chest.  After class me and Hutto went to Pete's for unhealthy foodz.  It was good, but I think I got a bad pickle and almost got sick.

It is so cold in my room.  I haven't showered in days.  I have no clean clothes.

Bottom line, I'm pretty grimy.  I think today will be the day to do all of that stuff.

Here is a stupid photo John took of me the other night

Am I optimistic or just naive?  All my friends say it's bravery.

I made the call.

woahwoahwewoah

I guess that this must be the place

Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

I got plenty of time
You got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up and say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - she lifted up her wings
I guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time 

Before we were born
If someone asks, this is where I'll be . . . where I'll be

We drift in and out
Sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh

Coffee

As much fun as I have in Philadelphia I cannot wait for Thanksgiving break and to see everyone and just have a ridiculously good time.  I miss seeing Kirsten, Jenn, and Robin on a basically daily basis.  And I miss my mom. A LOT.  

Thinking about how I always have a constant need for motion without any downtime I am reconsidering my decision to take a semester off.  I know I will be bored in a matter of minutes home regardless if I'm working full time or not.  I think I am just going to keep on keeping on.  I think school will be a bit easier once all of my problems are solved as well.

Does the body rule the mind 
or does the mind rule the body? 
I don´t know ...

Ask me why, and I'll die 
Oh, ask me why, and I'll die 
And if you must, go to work tomorrow 
Well, if I were you I really wouldn't bother 
For there are brighter sides to life 
And I should know, because I've seen them 
But not very often ...
Under the iron bridge we kissed 
And although I ended up with sore lips 
It just wasn't like the old days anymore 
No, it wasn't like those days 
Am I still ill ? 
Oh ... 
Oh, am I still ill ? 

Fresh fruit for rotting vegtables

Today rules so far because I got three books for five dollars.  THREE for FIVE.  Can you believe it?  I got The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway, Women in Love by DH Lawrence, and A Clockwork Orange (with a cover I have never seem before but love so much more than the ones that I have seen).

But I think if we talk we might kiss

Friday was just great.  Class was great.  Ergs last Philadelphia show was just ridiculous.  So much energy I couldn't contain myself.  I am already anxiously anticipating the reunion tour.  The party @ bnd was great.  I met a lot of people and had a ridicuously good time.  Stayed up til 5AM talking to a really great guy that made me smile a really great amount.  Can't complain.

Yesterday morning my Momma and my sister came to visit.  I needed it more than ever.

Pieces of my life are very slowly fitting together.  I look forward to meeting with Heather each week.  It took way too long to get this started.

Condition Oakland

I rode down to the tracks.
Thinking they might sing to me.
But they just stared back.
Broken, trainless and black as night.
Climbed out onto my roof.
So I'd be a poet in the night.
Beat the walls off my room.
I saw the big room that is this life.
This is my condition:
Naked and hysterical,
Reaching to grab a hand
that I just slapped back at.
This is my condition:
Desperate, alone,
Without an excuse.
I try to explain. Christ, what's the use?
Read and I felt so small.
Some words keep speaking
When you close the book.
Drank and just about smiled.
Then I remembered us in that bed.
Put my ear to the door.
I just heard hot rods
and gunshots and sirens.
People kill me these days.
There's keys in their eyes
But they lock from the inside.

Talking Heads - Air

Air
Hit me in the face
I run faster
Faster into the air
(I say to myself)
What is happening to my skin?
Where is that protection that I needed?
Air can hurt you too
Air can hurt you too
Some people say not to worry about the air
Some people never had experience with...

Air...Air
It can break your heart
So remember when the weather gets rough
(You'll say to yourself)
What is happening to my skin?
Where is that protection that I needed?
Air can hurt you too
Air can hurt you too
Some people say not to worry about the air
Some people don't know shit about the...
Air...

Released in 1979.  A song and message way before its time?

Everywhere I go won't be anything unless you're hanging around

I am finally getting proper treatment for my anxiety and depression.  I am finally getting a glimpse of hope.  I think everyone should go to therapy.  I was also diagnosed with inattentive ADD.  My whole life (well, almost whole life) makes sense for the first time.

UHHHM what has happened lately?  I saw Titus Adronicus and No Age with Trey and Brian.  I tried to see Lemuria, but got there right as they ended.  Tonight I'm seeing the Ergs! and tomorrow Momma and Wendy are coming to the city.  

Oh ! and I'm back on my bike =)

Buzz

I know you're shy

I know you like to get high

You probably would have never talked to me if you didn't have a buzz

I try to not be awkward

I know you just want to drink

It's hard to stay sober when you don't look at me

Thought you'd be looking
For the next in line to love then ignore
Put out and put away
And so you'd soon be leaving me alone
Like I'm supposed to be
Tonight, tomorrow, and every day

There's nothing here that you'll miss
I can guarantee you this
Is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space
What a fucking joke
What a fucking joke

I waited for a bus to separate the both of us
And take me off far away from you
Because my feelings never change a bit
I always feel like shit
I don't know why, I guess that I "just do"

You once talked to me about love
And you painted pictures of a Never-Never Land
And I could've gone to that place
But I didn't understand

I didn't understand
I didn't understand 

I don't say anything I don't really mean, because I can't say anything.

Lately:

Talking Heads - Mind

Japanther - The Dirge

Elliott Smith - Thirteen

Jawbreaker - Gutless

The Muffs - Crush Me

Screeching Weasel - Don't Turn Out the Lights

Lemuria - Mechanical

Paul Baribeau - Never Get to Know

Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place

Bob Dylan - I Want You

Mountain Goats - Balance

Pinhead Gunpowder - Mahogany 

Broken Social Scene - Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl

Buddy Holly - Every Day

Elliott Smith - I Didn't Understand

Japanther - Mornings

Jawbreaker - Ache

Kepi Ghoulie - Stormy Weather [from Hanging Out]

Lawrence Arms - Disaster March

LCD Soundsystem - Someone Great

Mr. T Experience - I Was Losing You All Along

Lemuria - Bee Spit

Toots and the Maytals - Pressure Drop

Wildebeest - Harps and Trumpets

And all of Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables by Dead Kennedys 

MIND

BOXERS [DOGS+PUPPIES]

DRESSES

LAYING IN GRASS + SUNNY DAYS

POOL SWIMMING

LOVE

TRUTH

BEING NUDE

BEING CUDDLED BY MY BEDDING

READING

HOME

WALKING

PRINTMAKING

LIVE MUSIC

TALKING HEADS

COFFEE

SLEEPING IN

GOOD HUGS

NICE BOYS

THINGS I LIKE

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”

— Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994), From “Betting on the Muse”

i really miss warm weather, looking pretty, and having a boyfriend.

for the first time in years i actually want a boyfriend.

one i really love.

park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me