I have never had a good relationship. Once someone gets to know my insides I snap. I am always afraid that they will take control over me, take me for granted, or leave me. So I leave first, although I am never fully there to begin with.
I want so badly to love someone completely. Or to allow myself to. and to allow someone else to love me completely.
I've had such a range of boyfriends. The only time I was in a truly happy relationship was when I was so much younger, with Leo. I didn't have a care in the world then. It was just fun. That was our relationship. Fun. And I do consider him my first "love", in whatever sense of the word you'd like to interpret it.
When I dated Dave I finally felt infatuated with someone again. I was crazy for him, but he too hurt me and as a junior in high school I couldn't begin to handle the drastic events of our relationship. Too be honest, it felt like pure turmoil. It left an even bigger scar.
From the moment I met Nash I was smitten with him. He gave me inspiration in every sense of the word. From carving fruit, to laying on top of baseball fences to get a glimpse at the stars. But at this point, I couldn't open myself to anyone. And who knows what he really wanted with me. Now he lives in Florida.
Then I came to college and began drinking every night and occasionally using drugs. I gave my time and affection to typical college guys that couldn't care an ounce more about anything than sex. All of this took my anxiety and depression that had been growing inside me into a tornado. I couldn't show affection or love anyone while sober.
Finally, after years of waiting for it, I finally had a chance with Richie. And at the beginning of our relationship he got the brunt of my awkwardness and inability to be comfortable around men. I finally took the plunge and tried to allow myself deeper into our relationship. I believed he actually cared large amounts for me. There was an uncountable number of times during my relationship with Richie where I wanted to just grab him and say 'I love you', but the actual words were only choked on. I don't know why. Then I ruined our relationship as fast and recklessly as a hurricane.
These are the men that I was really struck with. I don't want to say that everyone else was just filler, but really I don't know what they were. They probably just fucked me up even more.
All of this is very vague. And I didn't even mention how fucked up my relationship with my father has made my relationship with other men. I am in this weird state and am trying to begin to poke at the surface of it.
