Game over

Today is a weird day.  I can't stop listening to Ozma.  Total little girl crush goodness.  I went on my parents PC and found a crazy amount of old photos of mine/ old music.  And I've come to the conclusion that my room is so full of junk that even when I don't live here I can still pass for living here.

Christmas was great.  Our holiday potluck got out of control due to John, George, and Robin, but that isn't surprising.  Family time was great.  I got a bunch of how-to books and the most comfortable pair of slippers.  Max is visiting Scranton Monday or Tuesday.  I'm going to Philadelphia for New Years.

A few weeks ago all I thought about was getting drunk and fucked up and now I don't even really care.  I'm on new medicine.  So far, so good.

Oh hey 7th grade !!

I am really fucking sad. 

again.

Coordinates

I finished my book BAD HABITS.  I love how it turned out.

I'm so glad I met Max.  I love everything about him.  He is fucking beautiful.  We exchanged gifts last night.  I made him a pocket size book with the word "ideas" embossed on the cover for times when a light bulb pops into his head.  I really should have taken a photo of it.  He got me green olives, an ugly doll (!!!), and is sharing with me some of his writing.  Fucking fantastic gifts.  The best i've ever received from a boyfriend.  He left for Syracuse today and I miss him already.  That says miles.

Everyone is gone from Philadelphia.  I leave tomorrow.  Tonight I am working on some book jawnz and watching Freaks.  I am loving it.  I am more than excited for our holiday pot luck on Sunday.  and just to see everyone.  My grades are coming back and they aren't as bad as I was anticipating. No Cs yet !

I really hate my psychiatrist so I am trying to find a new one.  Today I saw Heather and we talked about my fear of men and doctors in general.  She said it is so hard to treat me because I am so resistant to the people telling me what to do.  As well as medicine.  I have a new prescription because Lexapro killed me, but I don't plan on filling it.

I can't wait to wake up to Max again.

It is finally snowing in Philadelphia.  It is the most pleasant to watch it fall while doing my work and drinking coffee.

It snowed one other time.  Everyone from Scranton was in Philadelphia and we walked around the city as it fell from the sky and it was beautiful.  Especially being with people I love.  We sipped hot chocolate and kept warm in a cafe.  

Then we got drunk.

Beautiful.

Cocaine and soda, playing Tetris in our underwear. 
We take turns reading letters, I read the haiku and you move your nails across my legs. 
In your arms, I don't know who I am, 

taking all I know about nihilism and trying to build it into a life. 
With your thought in mind, I walk the streets down to the shore and I sink into the Pacific. 
This is everything up to now ending. 
It was nice to believe for a while.

I randomly stumbled upon old livejournals.  Greg's in particular.  I always forget how heavy my relationships were.  Looking back on something I remember to be a few dates seems like so much more.  I found a lot of funny things in Greg's journal including:

rachels getting a nose job tuesday and hopefully she doesnt die.

or

the agitator is my semi date.

and things from mine along the lines of-

This sucks, atleast I have mtx for 7 $ though.

(I got screeching weasel & descendents too, we*ll have fun listening to them together)

That is cute.

Hating every minute

I've been happier lately.

Maybe than ever.  Really.

I am still flunking school, but next semester is a fresh start.

Carousels

I have commitment issues.

Also, I said fuck you to my medicine.

I swear this was really a fun night

If only you were lonely

Well, I broke the seal on my door
And I poured myself to bed
The whirlpool spinning around in my head
Around in my head
There was liquor on my breath
You were on my mind

I kind of hate lexapro. I'm not anxious anymore, but that's because I can't even really form thought. I feel like a burn out. and I don't give a shit about anything. Who thought treating your anxiety/depression could make you do even worse in school? I feel like I have a massive amount of brain damage. I can't remember how to make a book. A BOOK. The one thing I love to do. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Note to self 0003: Do your fucking work

One summer last fall

Break was really really great (for the most part).  I spent the majority of it:

drunk

with the best of my friends

laughing 

smiling

I met a guy on Wednesday night and although my feelings towards him were totally platonic he had the most amazing smile I may have ever seen.  It was so refreshing to meet someone that seemed so totally full of life.  He made me smile as well.

Grandma and Grandpa got sick and couldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner.  My grandfather doesn't even know who we are anymore and it makes me feel so sad.  I miss him. On the other hand I got to see baby Marty for the first time in months and he is getting so big and bold and it's just ridiculous.  This is probably my first time actually watching someone grow up and it's really an amazing thing.

Max and I spent the night together and once again didn't sleep.  We watched a lot of youtube, The Nomi Song, and went around the city.  Why aren't I sick of him?