Mechanical

here you go

giving me pieces and parts

the cheapest parts

from the shittiest places

and there's no guarantee

you'll make it home with me

I'm home-made Peter Pan for halloween. 

and it rules.

Bela Lugosi secret cinema

and halloweeniez.

We broke up a month ago and I grew up, I didn't know
I'd be around the morning after
It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you pay
And feel like shit the morning after
But now I feel changed around and instead falling down
I'm standing up the morning after
Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after
Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows and you see how it is
They want you or they don't
Say yes
I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after

The Dirge

I have never had a good relationship.  Once someone gets to know my insides I snap.  I am always afraid that they will take control over me, take me for granted, or leave me.  So I leave first, although I am never fully there to begin with.

I want so badly to love someone completely.  Or to allow myself to.  and to allow someone else to love me completely.

I've had such a range of boyfriends.  The only time I was in a truly happy relationship was when I was so much younger, with Leo.  I didn't have a care in the world then.  It was just fun.  That was our relationship.  Fun.  And I do consider him my first "love", in whatever sense of the word you'd like to interpret it.

When I dated Dave I finally felt infatuated with someone again.  I was crazy for him, but he too hurt me and as a junior in high school I couldn't begin to handle the drastic events of our relationship.  Too be honest, it felt like pure turmoil.  It left an even bigger scar.

From the moment I met Nash I was smitten with him.  He gave me inspiration in every sense of the word.  From carving fruit, to laying on top of baseball fences to get a glimpse at the stars.  But at this point, I couldn't open myself to anyone.  And who knows what he really wanted with me.  Now he lives in Florida.

Then I came to college and began drinking every night and occasionally using drugs.  I gave my time and affection to typical college guys that couldn't care an ounce more about anything than sex.  All of this took my anxiety and depression that had been growing inside me into a tornado.  I couldn't show affection or love anyone while sober.

Finally, after years of waiting for it, I finally had a chance with Richie.  And at the beginning of our relationship he got the brunt of my awkwardness and inability to be comfortable around men.  I finally took the plunge and tried to allow myself deeper into our relationship.  I believed he actually cared large amounts for me.  There was an uncountable number of times during my relationship with Richie where I wanted to just grab him and say 'I love you', but the actual words were only choked on.  I don't know why.  Then I ruined our relationship as fast and recklessly as a hurricane.

These are the men that I was really struck with.  I don't want to say that everyone else was just filler, but really I don't know what they were.  They probably just fucked me up even more.

All of this is very vague.  And I didn't even mention how fucked up my relationship with my father has made my relationship with other men.  I am in this weird state and am trying to begin to poke at the surface of it.

Go your own way

The whole week before I  broke my arm was actually a really good week.  Kirsten and Jojo came to visit Thursday and Friday.  On Friday night Galli came down and we saw Alkaline Trio and the Gaslight Anthem.  On Saturday Me, Trey, Brian, and Mullin went to see Japanther and it was hands down the best show i've ever been to.  We all just went nuts.  The crazies ensued for the rest of the night.  And even when I broke my arm, it was still a good day.  I went to the PMA and me and Trey made fun of the ER visit.

Since the  injury all i've been doing is reading, watching movies, drinking, and smoking.

But i'm getting terribly bored and can't wait to be able to function properly again.  Having one arm is taking a real toll on  my self esteem. 

Tomorrow is BnD's first house show with this band from London and this weekend is halloween!  I can't wait.

i can't get on a bra

i cant wait for this thing to come off.  it already smells like feet and it's a real fucking nuisance to have to wear a jacket.  

Woe is me

Plaster cast. Can't type.  Can't work.

I am seriously considering shaving my head.

i'm afraid of sleep

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind.

Richie's birthday gift:

Edition of 21 one page books, titled How I Feel Lately, very poorly made, but finished nonetheless

Okay so I was posting more pictures, but blogger decided to stop working. So.. you get the idea.

I just destroyed everything.

I shattered my family's dream world that they are living in.

I fucking hate everything right now.

Who brainwashed these "people"?

If Obama does not win this election I will lose my entire faith in this country.  It will be another step backward, the direction we've been going in now for the past eight years with George Bush.  McCain's policies are no different than George W. Bush's.  Our economy is rapidly depleting (if you haven't heard, it's at an ALL-TIME low) while we are losing a war in Iraq that costs the U.S. 3 trillion dollars, granted we stay NO MORE than 10 MORE years involved in it.  I haven't even heard of an exit strategy from Iraq mentioned from McCain.  The American dollar has decreased 40% in value since 2001.  I want to retire before I'm 90.  I also want to have social security and health benefits.  And you know, It would be nice to travel some day for leisure, without losing half of my dollar to the exchange rate.  

Even if Obama only does a third of what he says he will that's a hell of a lot better than what Bush has done and was McCain plans to do.

And God bless America, what were to happen if McCain won the election and something had happened to him making Sarah Palin run the country.  I would flee this country the very same day.

I support Obama/Biden for the 2008 presidential election.

Please vote.

FUCK LIBERAL ARTS.

ESPECIALLY WORLD HISTORY

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CLIMATE IN ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA.

OR ANCIENT EGYPT

OR INDIA

WHATAWASTE.

Burn It Down

And now I wonder what's going on and who's really in another world 

While you're asleep the makeup you're wearing runs down your face like so many tears 

Watch them piss away any hope for change any hope for anything new and 

Watch them burn it down, Turn the hoses on and announce a new beginning

Tonight we wave and give up a smile as a flaming shuttle passes by 

Outside the window something is creeping a burning skeleton beams with pride 

Step over bodies, past corpses in waiting blank it's just a human shell it's just a memory 

Your indecision is a contribution to the cancer that infects the earth 

That impassioned speech almost provides the heat to keep the people sleeping on the streets warm 

out there in the cold in a burnt-out world 

Tonight we'll drink champagne and dance until it's dawn safe inside our fenced and guarded lawns 

Let it burn down tonight ignore the blackened skies pouring down a bloody red rain 

Your television's watching you watching a blank watching a slab of meat you're just a memory 

It's burning down tonight for the rest of your life it's gonna be so cold 

It's gonna be so cold

I feel so displaced from my body.  Or perhaps my soul.  I can't describe it except to say that I feel like a car crash moving in slow motion.  Pieces of myself are decaying.  School is clogging down the drain.  My relationship with Richie has failed.  I finally screamed at my father to the point that I told him I have never felt like he has loved me, waking my brother up to the screams in the middle of the night.  After being evaluated I was told I am in great danger of harming myself.  I am to go on medicine, but I don't want to live life in the middle.  I won't be myself at all anymore.  I will lose me completely.

I don't want to lose me.  

Lately

Mountain Goats - Balance

Elliott Smith - Say Yes

My Bloody Valentine - Sometimes

Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place

Joy Division - Transmission

Talking Heads - Born Under Punches

Situations get fucked up, turned around sooner or later

This song is haunting me

And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule

You tell me the morning after

I didn't understand

Thought you'd be looking for the next in line to love
Then ignore, put out, and put away
And so you'd soon be leaving me alone like I'm supposed to be
Tonight, tomorrow, and every day
There's nothing here that you'll miss
I can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space
What a fucking joke
What a fucking joke

I waited for a bus to separate the both of us
And take me off, far away from you
'Cos my feelings never change a bit
I always feel like shit
I don't know why, I guess that I just do
You once talked to me about love
And you painted pictures of a never never land
And I could have gone to that place
But I didn't understand
I didn't understand
I didn't understand

Sunflowers

Ratatat last night @ Starland was awesome (I found myself wanted to sing along even though they are instrumental.).

Nothing exciting happens in my life.  Me and Trey went for drinks the other night and ended up laying in Rittenhouse.  I really had to pee, so I did in the square. That was probably the most exciting thing i've done all week.  

I finally saw Control, the film about Ian Curtis/Joy Division.  It was fantastic.  I want to own it. now.

I am smelly.

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after
We broke up a month ago and I grew up, I didn't know
I'd be around the morning after
It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you pay
And feel like shit the morning after
But now I feel changed around and instead falling down
I'm standing up the morning after
Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after
Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows and you see how it is
They want you or they don't
Say yes
I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after