Game over

Today is a weird day.  I can't stop listening to Ozma.  Total little girl crush goodness.  I went on my parents PC and found a crazy amount of old photos of mine/ old music.  And I've come to the conclusion that my room is so full of junk that even when I don't live here I can still pass for living here.

Christmas was great.  Our holiday potluck got out of control due to John, George, and Robin, but that isn't surprising.  Family time was great.  I got a bunch of how-to books and the most comfortable pair of slippers.  Max is visiting Scranton Monday or Tuesday.  I'm going to Philadelphia for New Years.

A few weeks ago all I thought about was getting drunk and fucked up and now I don't even really care.  I'm on new medicine.  So far, so good.

Oh hey 7th grade !!

I am really fucking sad. 

again.

Coordinates

I finished my book BAD HABITS.  I love how it turned out.

I'm so glad I met Max.  I love everything about him.  He is fucking beautiful.  We exchanged gifts last night.  I made him a pocket size book with the word "ideas" embossed on the cover for times when a light bulb pops into his head.  I really should have taken a photo of it.  He got me green olives, an ugly doll (!!!), and is sharing with me some of his writing.  Fucking fantastic gifts.  The best i've ever received from a boyfriend.  He left for Syracuse today and I miss him already.  That says miles.

Everyone is gone from Philadelphia.  I leave tomorrow.  Tonight I am working on some book jawnz and watching Freaks.  I am loving it.  I am more than excited for our holiday pot luck on Sunday.  and just to see everyone.  My grades are coming back and they aren't as bad as I was anticipating. No Cs yet !

I really hate my psychiatrist so I am trying to find a new one.  Today I saw Heather and we talked about my fear of men and doctors in general.  She said it is so hard to treat me because I am so resistant to the people telling me what to do.  As well as medicine.  I have a new prescription because Lexapro killed me, but I don't plan on filling it.

I can't wait to wake up to Max again.

It is finally snowing in Philadelphia.  It is the most pleasant to watch it fall while doing my work and drinking coffee.

It snowed one other time.  Everyone from Scranton was in Philadelphia and we walked around the city as it fell from the sky and it was beautiful.  Especially being with people I love.  We sipped hot chocolate and kept warm in a cafe.  

Then we got drunk.

Beautiful.

Cocaine and soda, playing Tetris in our underwear. 
We take turns reading letters, I read the haiku and you move your nails across my legs. 
In your arms, I don't know who I am, 

taking all I know about nihilism and trying to build it into a life. 
With your thought in mind, I walk the streets down to the shore and I sink into the Pacific. 
This is everything up to now ending. 
It was nice to believe for a while.

I randomly stumbled upon old livejournals.  Greg's in particular.  I always forget how heavy my relationships were.  Looking back on something I remember to be a few dates seems like so much more.  I found a lot of funny things in Greg's journal including:

rachels getting a nose job tuesday and hopefully she doesnt die.

or

the agitator is my semi date.

and things from mine along the lines of-

This sucks, atleast I have mtx for 7 $ though.

(I got screeching weasel & descendents too, we*ll have fun listening to them together)

That is cute.

Hating every minute

I've been happier lately.

Maybe than ever.  Really.

I am still flunking school, but next semester is a fresh start.

Carousels

I have commitment issues.

Also, I said fuck you to my medicine.

I swear this was really a fun night

If only you were lonely

Well, I broke the seal on my door
And I poured myself to bed
The whirlpool spinning around in my head
Around in my head
There was liquor on my breath
You were on my mind

I kind of hate lexapro. I'm not anxious anymore, but that's because I can't even really form thought. I feel like a burn out. and I don't give a shit about anything. Who thought treating your anxiety/depression could make you do even worse in school? I feel like I have a massive amount of brain damage. I can't remember how to make a book. A BOOK. The one thing I love to do. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Note to self 0003: Do your fucking work

One summer last fall

Break was really really great (for the most part).  I spent the majority of it:

drunk

with the best of my friends

laughing 

smiling

I met a guy on Wednesday night and although my feelings towards him were totally platonic he had the most amazing smile I may have ever seen.  It was so refreshing to meet someone that seemed so totally full of life.  He made me smile as well.

Grandma and Grandpa got sick and couldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner.  My grandfather doesn't even know who we are anymore and it makes me feel so sad.  I miss him. On the other hand I got to see baby Marty for the first time in months and he is getting so big and bold and it's just ridiculous.  This is probably my first time actually watching someone grow up and it's really an amazing thing.

Max and I spent the night together and once again didn't sleep.  We watched a lot of youtube, The Nomi Song, and went around the city.  Why aren't I sick of him?

Today

Coffee - Aesop Rock
I'm Insane - Dinosaur Jr.
Say Goodbye to Your Generation - The Methadones
Don't Ask Why - Replacements
Get Some Sleep - Lemuria
Crying In My Beer - Screeching Weasel
Devil Town - Groovie Ghoulies
Straight to Hell - The Clash
Burn It Down - Screeching Weasel
Chesterfield King - Jawbreaker
Chinatown - Jets to Brazil
This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads
Waiting Room - Fugazi
I'm Affected - Ramones
Sneakin' Out the Hospital - Beastie Boys
Silver Lining - Rilo Kiley
I Still Love You Julie - Against Me!
Handcuffed to You - Screeching Weasel
Hanging Around - Screeching Weasel
Pray for Rain - The Ergs
Homesick - Riverdales
The Dirge - Japanther
To Have and Have Not - Billy Bragg
Wendy - Descendents
Bad Seeds - Beat Happening
Mahogany - Pinhead Gunpowder

“ You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. 
What mood is that?
Last-minute panic.

— Calvin & Hobbes 

Note to self 0001:  Don't get wasted while everyone else is sober

Note to self 0002:  Don't drunk dial/text

Happy Thanksgiving

Sometimes what you give in return for what you get just isn't worth it

Room with no view

I am home. I left my phone in Philadelphia. uhohz. Everytime I come home and step inside this house an overwhelming feeling of guilt/sadness consumes me. I wish that it wouldn't.
I lost 5 pounds since last time I was home.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time with Max Cooke from Monday into Tuesday. It was nice.



Okay and fine are very different words, but both very vague and mysterious.

Christmas list










ll bean

Last night

Hey Jealousy

A poem I very much like

I am so anxious to get home.  It just keeps getting worse and worse.

Things I love today:

-The thought of being home

-Coffee

-Hearing from friends

-Being Nude

-Scarves 

-My hair being long

-Color

-Snow (I wish it would snow real hard so that I can play in it)

-Being me

-Having stupid little crushes

Mirage, that's all you are to me

Last night we went to this party where the theme really should have been 'don't have any fun. ever' .. and only play beer pong.  People were really upset that me and Ali spent the night dancing away by ourselves.  It made a shitty party fun though.

Then we went  back to Matin's and Ali fell asleep.  Me, Chris, and Matin spent hours smoking and dancing to 90s music.  It was ridiculously fun.

Now I have two mysterious baguettes in my refrigerator?

Maybe there are fireworks at the end of the world.

I feel like right now I should own/be wearing one of those shirts that say "You were never my boyfriend."

Well you know who's number one, don't you?

I am more than ready to go home.

I am so anxious to see Sarah, Kirsten, Jenn, John, Javi, Robin, and everyone else.  Jeeze louise.

Dramatics have hit Philadelphia and I am glad I won't be here for them much longer.

I spent all day in the print studio only to accomplish nothing.  What a drag.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders.

lua

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

I wanna be your shrink, so i'll get paid to watch you think

“We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.”

—	Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

You make me comfortable.

I went to this nice coffee house in Rittenhouse yesterday.  The coffee was good and the atmosphere was good,  but that is partial to the good company that I was in. 

Me, Max, Nick, Brian, Kyle, PatO, and Marielle went on a semi-drunken adventure in the van last night.  

It's been snowing here and it's been absolutely wonderful.

Some people go through life and never have any fun

I wanna go with you

and baby I've just begun.

Some folks are just too cool, never let down their guard

I wanna make you drool, I wanna leave you scarred. 

I wanna have fun with you

I wanna have fun on you, in you, with you, near you

I wanna have fun with you

Maybe if we went away and locked ourselves in my room

we could have fun for days

and come out of the next full moon

We could send out for drinks, pizza, and chinese food

I don't care what no one thinks,

my only need is you

Structure and function

This morning I couldn't find my keys so I couldn't go to class.  There are so many things I need to do but everyday just slips by.  I cried a little bit to Tara last night about how rough the semester has been.  I'm glad I just got it off my chest.  After class me and Hutto went to Pete's for unhealthy foodz.  It was good, but I think I got a bad pickle and almost got sick.

It is so cold in my room.  I haven't showered in days.  I have no clean clothes.

Bottom line, I'm pretty grimy.  I think today will be the day to do all of that stuff.

Here is a stupid photo John took of me the other night

Am I optimistic or just naive?  All my friends say it's bravery.

I made the call.

woahwoahwewoah

I guess that this must be the place

Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

I got plenty of time
You got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up and say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - she lifted up her wings
I guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time 

Before we were born
If someone asks, this is where I'll be . . . where I'll be

We drift in and out
Sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh

Coffee

As much fun as I have in Philadelphia I cannot wait for Thanksgiving break and to see everyone and just have a ridiculously good time.  I miss seeing Kirsten, Jenn, and Robin on a basically daily basis.  And I miss my mom. A LOT.  

Thinking about how I always have a constant need for motion without any downtime I am reconsidering my decision to take a semester off.  I know I will be bored in a matter of minutes home regardless if I'm working full time or not.  I think I am just going to keep on keeping on.  I think school will be a bit easier once all of my problems are solved as well.

Does the body rule the mind 
or does the mind rule the body? 
I don´t know ...

Ask me why, and I'll die 
Oh, ask me why, and I'll die 
And if you must, go to work tomorrow 
Well, if I were you I really wouldn't bother 
For there are brighter sides to life 
And I should know, because I've seen them 
But not very often ...
Under the iron bridge we kissed 
And although I ended up with sore lips 
It just wasn't like the old days anymore 
No, it wasn't like those days 
Am I still ill ? 
Oh ... 
Oh, am I still ill ? 

Fresh fruit for rotting vegtables

Today rules so far because I got three books for five dollars.  THREE for FIVE.  Can you believe it?  I got The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway, Women in Love by DH Lawrence, and A Clockwork Orange (with a cover I have never seem before but love so much more than the ones that I have seen).

But I think if we talk we might kiss

Friday was just great.  Class was great.  Ergs last Philadelphia show was just ridiculous.  So much energy I couldn't contain myself.  I am already anxiously anticipating the reunion tour.  The party @ bnd was great.  I met a lot of people and had a ridicuously good time.  Stayed up til 5AM talking to a really great guy that made me smile a really great amount.  Can't complain.

Yesterday morning my Momma and my sister came to visit.  I needed it more than ever.

Pieces of my life are very slowly fitting together.  I look forward to meeting with Heather each week.  It took way too long to get this started.

Condition Oakland

I rode down to the tracks.
Thinking they might sing to me.
But they just stared back.
Broken, trainless and black as night.
Climbed out onto my roof.
So I'd be a poet in the night.
Beat the walls off my room.
I saw the big room that is this life.
This is my condition:
Naked and hysterical,
Reaching to grab a hand
that I just slapped back at.
This is my condition:
Desperate, alone,
Without an excuse.
I try to explain. Christ, what's the use?
Read and I felt so small.
Some words keep speaking
When you close the book.
Drank and just about smiled.
Then I remembered us in that bed.
Put my ear to the door.
I just heard hot rods
and gunshots and sirens.
People kill me these days.
There's keys in their eyes
But they lock from the inside.

Talking Heads - Air

Air
Hit me in the face
I run faster
Faster into the air
(I say to myself)
What is happening to my skin?
Where is that protection that I needed?
Air can hurt you too
Air can hurt you too
Some people say not to worry about the air
Some people never had experience with...

Air...Air
It can break your heart
So remember when the weather gets rough
(You'll say to yourself)
What is happening to my skin?
Where is that protection that I needed?
Air can hurt you too
Air can hurt you too
Some people say not to worry about the air
Some people don't know shit about the...
Air...

Released in 1979.  A song and message way before its time?

Everywhere I go won't be anything unless you're hanging around

I am finally getting proper treatment for my anxiety and depression.  I am finally getting a glimpse of hope.  I think everyone should go to therapy.  I was also diagnosed with inattentive ADD.  My whole life (well, almost whole life) makes sense for the first time.

UHHHM what has happened lately?  I saw Titus Adronicus and No Age with Trey and Brian.  I tried to see Lemuria, but got there right as they ended.  Tonight I'm seeing the Ergs! and tomorrow Momma and Wendy are coming to the city.  

Oh ! and I'm back on my bike =)

Buzz

I know you're shy

I know you like to get high

You probably would have never talked to me if you didn't have a buzz

I try to not be awkward

I know you just want to drink

It's hard to stay sober when you don't look at me

Thought you'd be looking
For the next in line to love then ignore
Put out and put away
And so you'd soon be leaving me alone
Like I'm supposed to be
Tonight, tomorrow, and every day

There's nothing here that you'll miss
I can guarantee you this
Is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space
What a fucking joke
What a fucking joke

I waited for a bus to separate the both of us
And take me off far away from you
Because my feelings never change a bit
I always feel like shit
I don't know why, I guess that I "just do"

You once talked to me about love
And you painted pictures of a Never-Never Land
And I could've gone to that place
But I didn't understand

I didn't understand
I didn't understand 

I don't say anything I don't really mean, because I can't say anything.

Lately:

Talking Heads - Mind

Japanther - The Dirge

Elliott Smith - Thirteen

Jawbreaker - Gutless

The Muffs - Crush Me

Screeching Weasel - Don't Turn Out the Lights

Lemuria - Mechanical

Paul Baribeau - Never Get to Know

Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place

Bob Dylan - I Want You

Mountain Goats - Balance

Pinhead Gunpowder - Mahogany 

Broken Social Scene - Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl

Buddy Holly - Every Day

Elliott Smith - I Didn't Understand

Japanther - Mornings

Jawbreaker - Ache

Kepi Ghoulie - Stormy Weather [from Hanging Out]

Lawrence Arms - Disaster March

LCD Soundsystem - Someone Great

Mr. T Experience - I Was Losing You All Along

Lemuria - Bee Spit

Toots and the Maytals - Pressure Drop

Wildebeest - Harps and Trumpets

And all of Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables by Dead Kennedys 

MIND

BOXERS [DOGS+PUPPIES]

DRESSES

LAYING IN GRASS + SUNNY DAYS

POOL SWIMMING

LOVE

TRUTH

BEING NUDE

BEING CUDDLED BY MY BEDDING

READING

HOME

WALKING

PRINTMAKING

LIVE MUSIC

TALKING HEADS

COFFEE

SLEEPING IN

GOOD HUGS

NICE BOYS

THINGS I LIKE

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”

— Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994), From “Betting on the Muse”

i really miss warm weather, looking pretty, and having a boyfriend.

for the first time in years i actually want a boyfriend.

one i really love.

park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me

Mechanical

here you go

giving me pieces and parts

the cheapest parts

from the shittiest places

and there's no guarantee

you'll make it home with me

I'm home-made Peter Pan for halloween. 

and it rules.

Bela Lugosi secret cinema

and halloweeniez.

We broke up a month ago and I grew up, I didn't know
I'd be around the morning after
It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you pay
And feel like shit the morning after
But now I feel changed around and instead falling down
I'm standing up the morning after
Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after
Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows and you see how it is
They want you or they don't
Say yes
I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after

The Dirge

I have never had a good relationship.  Once someone gets to know my insides I snap.  I am always afraid that they will take control over me, take me for granted, or leave me.  So I leave first, although I am never fully there to begin with.

I want so badly to love someone completely.  Or to allow myself to.  and to allow someone else to love me completely.

I've had such a range of boyfriends.  The only time I was in a truly happy relationship was when I was so much younger, with Leo.  I didn't have a care in the world then.  It was just fun.  That was our relationship.  Fun.  And I do consider him my first "love", in whatever sense of the word you'd like to interpret it.

When I dated Dave I finally felt infatuated with someone again.  I was crazy for him, but he too hurt me and as a junior in high school I couldn't begin to handle the drastic events of our relationship.  Too be honest, it felt like pure turmoil.  It left an even bigger scar.

From the moment I met Nash I was smitten with him.  He gave me inspiration in every sense of the word.  From carving fruit, to laying on top of baseball fences to get a glimpse at the stars.  But at this point, I couldn't open myself to anyone.  And who knows what he really wanted with me.  Now he lives in Florida.

Then I came to college and began drinking every night and occasionally using drugs.  I gave my time and affection to typical college guys that couldn't care an ounce more about anything than sex.  All of this took my anxiety and depression that had been growing inside me into a tornado.  I couldn't show affection or love anyone while sober.

Finally, after years of waiting for it, I finally had a chance with Richie.  And at the beginning of our relationship he got the brunt of my awkwardness and inability to be comfortable around men.  I finally took the plunge and tried to allow myself deeper into our relationship.  I believed he actually cared large amounts for me.  There was an uncountable number of times during my relationship with Richie where I wanted to just grab him and say 'I love you', but the actual words were only choked on.  I don't know why.  Then I ruined our relationship as fast and recklessly as a hurricane.

These are the men that I was really struck with.  I don't want to say that everyone else was just filler, but really I don't know what they were.  They probably just fucked me up even more.

All of this is very vague.  And I didn't even mention how fucked up my relationship with my father has made my relationship with other men.  I am in this weird state and am trying to begin to poke at the surface of it.

Go your own way

The whole week before I  broke my arm was actually a really good week.  Kirsten and Jojo came to visit Thursday and Friday.  On Friday night Galli came down and we saw Alkaline Trio and the Gaslight Anthem.  On Saturday Me, Trey, Brian, and Mullin went to see Japanther and it was hands down the best show i've ever been to.  We all just went nuts.  The crazies ensued for the rest of the night.  And even when I broke my arm, it was still a good day.  I went to the PMA and me and Trey made fun of the ER visit.

Since the  injury all i've been doing is reading, watching movies, drinking, and smoking.

But i'm getting terribly bored and can't wait to be able to function properly again.  Having one arm is taking a real toll on  my self esteem. 

Tomorrow is BnD's first house show with this band from London and this weekend is halloween!  I can't wait.

i can't get on a bra

i cant wait for this thing to come off.  it already smells like feet and it's a real fucking nuisance to have to wear a jacket.  

Woe is me

Plaster cast. Can't type.  Can't work.

I am seriously considering shaving my head.

i'm afraid of sleep

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind.

Richie's birthday gift:

Edition of 21 one page books, titled How I Feel Lately, very poorly made, but finished nonetheless

Okay so I was posting more pictures, but blogger decided to stop working. So.. you get the idea.

I just destroyed everything.

I shattered my family's dream world that they are living in.

I fucking hate everything right now.

Who brainwashed these "people"?

If Obama does not win this election I will lose my entire faith in this country.  It will be another step backward, the direction we've been going in now for the past eight years with George Bush.  McCain's policies are no different than George W. Bush's.  Our economy is rapidly depleting (if you haven't heard, it's at an ALL-TIME low) while we are losing a war in Iraq that costs the U.S. 3 trillion dollars, granted we stay NO MORE than 10 MORE years involved in it.  I haven't even heard of an exit strategy from Iraq mentioned from McCain.  The American dollar has decreased 40% in value since 2001.  I want to retire before I'm 90.  I also want to have social security and health benefits.  And you know, It would be nice to travel some day for leisure, without losing half of my dollar to the exchange rate.  

Even if Obama only does a third of what he says he will that's a hell of a lot better than what Bush has done and was McCain plans to do.

And God bless America, what were to happen if McCain won the election and something had happened to him making Sarah Palin run the country.  I would flee this country the very same day.

I support Obama/Biden for the 2008 presidential election.

Please vote.

FUCK LIBERAL ARTS.

ESPECIALLY WORLD HISTORY

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CLIMATE IN ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA.

OR ANCIENT EGYPT

OR INDIA

WHATAWASTE.

Burn It Down

And now I wonder what's going on and who's really in another world 

While you're asleep the makeup you're wearing runs down your face like so many tears 

Watch them piss away any hope for change any hope for anything new and 

Watch them burn it down, Turn the hoses on and announce a new beginning

Tonight we wave and give up a smile as a flaming shuttle passes by 

Outside the window something is creeping a burning skeleton beams with pride 

Step over bodies, past corpses in waiting blank it's just a human shell it's just a memory 

Your indecision is a contribution to the cancer that infects the earth 

That impassioned speech almost provides the heat to keep the people sleeping on the streets warm 

out there in the cold in a burnt-out world 

Tonight we'll drink champagne and dance until it's dawn safe inside our fenced and guarded lawns 

Let it burn down tonight ignore the blackened skies pouring down a bloody red rain 

Your television's watching you watching a blank watching a slab of meat you're just a memory 

It's burning down tonight for the rest of your life it's gonna be so cold 

It's gonna be so cold

I feel so displaced from my body.  Or perhaps my soul.  I can't describe it except to say that I feel like a car crash moving in slow motion.  Pieces of myself are decaying.  School is clogging down the drain.  My relationship with Richie has failed.  I finally screamed at my father to the point that I told him I have never felt like he has loved me, waking my brother up to the screams in the middle of the night.  After being evaluated I was told I am in great danger of harming myself.  I am to go on medicine, but I don't want to live life in the middle.  I won't be myself at all anymore.  I will lose me completely.

I don't want to lose me.  

Lately

Mountain Goats - Balance

Elliott Smith - Say Yes

My Bloody Valentine - Sometimes

Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place

Joy Division - Transmission

Talking Heads - Born Under Punches

Situations get fucked up, turned around sooner or later

This song is haunting me

And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule

You tell me the morning after

I didn't understand

Thought you'd be looking for the next in line to love
Then ignore, put out, and put away
And so you'd soon be leaving me alone like I'm supposed to be
Tonight, tomorrow, and every day
There's nothing here that you'll miss
I can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space
What a fucking joke
What a fucking joke

I waited for a bus to separate the both of us
And take me off, far away from you
'Cos my feelings never change a bit
I always feel like shit
I don't know why, I guess that I just do
You once talked to me about love
And you painted pictures of a never never land
And I could have gone to that place
But I didn't understand
I didn't understand
I didn't understand

Sunflowers

Ratatat last night @ Starland was awesome (I found myself wanted to sing along even though they are instrumental.).

Nothing exciting happens in my life.  Me and Trey went for drinks the other night and ended up laying in Rittenhouse.  I really had to pee, so I did in the square. That was probably the most exciting thing i've done all week.  

I finally saw Control, the film about Ian Curtis/Joy Division.  It was fantastic.  I want to own it. now.

I am smelly.

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after
We broke up a month ago and I grew up, I didn't know
I'd be around the morning after
It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you pay
And feel like shit the morning after
But now I feel changed around and instead falling down
I'm standing up the morning after
Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after
Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows and you see how it is
They want you or they don't
Say yes
I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after

I've got termites in the framework, so do you.

Automatic stop

i am sick sick sick and i feel like shit shit shit

WIldcat

Isn't growing up a drag?  It's terrible looking forward to Christmas only because you can't afford things that you NEED, not just things that you'd like to have.

My Christmas list is growing rapidly and it is only September 22nd 

helmet

basket for my bike (no, not for the "cuteness", but because I really fucking need one)

black socks

prisma color markers

a backpack

slippers

depressing, huh?

A few days ago me and Hutto went to Clark Park and watched everyone play with their dogs and the B Team perform.  I want a puppy. now.  Anyway.  I love every minute I get to spend outside, especially in park areas.  

Last night I saw the Bouncing Souls with Nick and PatO.  They were fantastic.  I forgot how much I actually love them.  It's hard to believe that when I turn 20 they'll be turning 20 as a band.

Other than that, everything is the same.  Spending more time with Trey and Nick, etc and also people from school.  I've been running around like a mad woman trying to get this and that done.  One thing I hate about the city is I can't just get into my car and drive five minutes to whatever store I need to go to, but atleast I am exercising/ doing something nice for the planet :).  I can't believe how passionate I am about waste lately.  I guess I really am becoming an adult.

Days just wave goodbye

I rode my bike so much today. wow.

I went to Trey's and we watched undeclared and then drank forties and orange juice and sat on his porch.  I was drunk by 5.

Then Nick and Kyle came home and we grocery shopped and grilled..

Well, Kyle grilled.

Ummmmumum.

Penn state this weekend ruled.  First time I ever tailgated and it was with Sarah's family. A+

Float

Today has been: 

6 hr graphic design class involving lots of dots and lines and compositions.  Next week we're going to Bartram's botanical garden in West Philly to take photos for our next project.  Bartram's is one of the country's oldest botanical gardens.  It's kind of ridiculous since it's in such a bad section of Philadelphia.

&

 Stamp carving.  American typewriter type stamps.

I picked up etching and now have a 2d fine arts/printmaking minor.

In a few hours i'll be heading to Penn State with Kirsten, Tim, and Jack to see Sarah and a lot of other people.  It will be so bizarre to see the guys from high school.  I'm thinking it will be a blast.  And maybe i'll fall in love with football while I'm there.  I am so glad to get out of Philadelphia.   It is too hot hot hot.

Distant stations

At the beginning of this summer I set a goal to read twelve books by the time classes resumed.   Class begins on Friday for me.  Today I finished book #12.  The books I read this summer:

High Fidelity & A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby

Ham On Rye & Women by Charles Bukowski

Generation X by Douglas Coupland

Smashed by Koren Zailckas

Harold and Maude by Collin Higgins

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Memoirs of a Beatnik by Diane DiPrima

Snuff by Chuck Palahniuk

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Howl & Reality Sandwiches by Allen Ginsberg

Right now I am halfway through Septuagenarian Stew by Bukowski, who, as of this summer, has earned the spot of my favorite writer.

Balance

two tall glasses of sweet iced tea
underneath the sweetgum tree,
and the love we once nurtured, you and me,
disintegrating violently.
stick your tongue out.
catch the pieces as they drift down the air.
i am too slow to catch them all,
not too far gone to care.

two slow summer hours spent picking at the bones,
figuring the interest on delinquent loans.
speaking in sad and mournful tones,
trying to squeeze tears out of mute stones.
wet your finger.
place it toward the wind.
feel disaster in the air.
we are far too slow to outrun it now.
not too far gone to care

a beautiful song i had almost forgotten about

I am back in Philadelphia, but there is nothing to say about it.

Abandon all hope

Yesterday was quite eventful.  I cut my hair.  I have bangs.

And then I saw Aesop Rock with Rob Sonic & Dj Big Wiz

My sweet fracture

These days, these days ...

I move back to Philadelphia in t-minus 5 days, although I'm venturing down to the city tomorrow to see Aesop Rock with Richie & co. I changed my major to graphic design. I'm amped for typography. I'm taking six classes this semester, but I have a feeling my work load will be much lighter than last year.

I read twelve books this summer, actually, I'm on book number twelve now: High Fidelity by Nick Hornby. I write a lot these days. I suppose you'd call them essays. I'm bad at poetry and I certainly don't write stories or fiction.

Last year at this time:

This year @ this time:

Through being cool

I had a livejournal since I was probably 15, I figured it was time for a change.

Visit my other blog, Needles and Pins @ www.rachelgibbons.tumblr.com